If only they would…..
So often I hear the words, “if only my wife would…, if only my boyfriend would…, if only my son would…, if only my boss would…”
· Listen to me / talk to me
· Understand my point of view
· Stop nagging
· Be more outgoing / just stay at home with me
· Want more sex / stop asking for sex
· Stop spending money / stop worrying about money
We focus so strongly on others behaviours and language that we buy into believing they are the source of our problems. How often do you find yourself wishing one of the above? Be honest, where do these outward focusing thoughts play out in your life?
The first step in catching these sabotaging thoughts is awareness. Digging deep and admitting to yourself that you actually believe any of the above (or any other version of that- as this list is not exhausted).
Pay attention to when you feel the blame game beginning, as soon as that finger starts to point out at the other person, that is your hint that there is something going on for YOU. The old saying: when there is 1 finger pointing out, there are 3 more pointing back at you.
So, great, you can see now that you are blaming, you are looking at the other person(s) as the problem, now what? From here it’s exploration time, ask yourself: what is it that I really want right now? Hint: it’s often a feeling/ emotion that wasn’t met in your childhood, so think ‘simple’: attention, recognition, acceptance, to be seen, to feel understood. Really ask yourself, underneath all of this what is it I wish I could feel in the presence of this other person right now?
What is really going on for me in this moment?
You can ask for what it is you are really wanting and needing in that moment with that other person. Or you can disclose from that vulnerable place what it is that is really going on for you in that moment. I’m noticing I’m feeling ________(attacked) and what I am making that mean about myself is________(I’m not good enough).
From here you have a choice, is what I’m feeling in this moment (the reaction,
the blame), is that really what is going on for me? Do I choose to be bought up in the blame game, or will I see what is being called for from within myself? Will I invite vulnerability into this relationship by being vulnerable myself?
Here in lies your power. Here you have choice. You can not change the other person, but you can change the way you view the relationship.
So often I hear the words, “if only my wife would…, if only my boyfriend would…, if only my son would…, if only my boss would…”
· Listen to me / talk to me
· Understand my point of view
· Stop nagging
· Be more outgoing / just stay at home with me
· Want more sex / stop asking for sex
· Stop spending money / stop worrying about money
We focus so strongly on others behaviours and language that we buy into believing they are the source of our problems. How often do you find yourself wishing one of the above? Be honest, where do these outward focusing thoughts play out in your life?
The first step in catching these sabotaging thoughts is awareness. Digging deep and admitting to yourself that you actually believe any of the above (or any other version of that- as this list is not exhausted).
Pay attention to when you feel the blame game beginning, as soon as that finger starts to point out at the other person, that is your hint that there is something going on for YOU. The old saying: when there is 1 finger pointing out, there are 3 more pointing back at you.
So, great, you can see now that you are blaming, you are looking at the other person(s) as the problem, now what? From here it’s exploration time, ask yourself: what is it that I really want right now? Hint: it’s often a feeling/ emotion that wasn’t met in your childhood, so think ‘simple’: attention, recognition, acceptance, to be seen, to feel understood. Really ask yourself, underneath all of this what is it I wish I could feel in the presence of this other person right now?
What is really going on for me in this moment?
You can ask for what it is you are really wanting and needing in that moment with that other person. Or you can disclose from that vulnerable place what it is that is really going on for you in that moment. I’m noticing I’m feeling ________(attacked) and what I am making that mean about myself is________(I’m not good enough).
From here you have a choice, is what I’m feeling in this moment (the reaction,
the blame), is that really what is going on for me? Do I choose to be bought up in the blame game, or will I see what is being called for from within myself? Will I invite vulnerability into this relationship by being vulnerable myself?
Here in lies your power. Here you have choice. You can not change the other person, but you can change the way you view the relationship.
